


hold me til i die, meet you on the other side

by spinningincircles



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 3x16 Coda, Angst, Caring Eddie Diaz, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evan Buckley Deserves The Whole Damn World, Hugs, M/M, Post 3x16, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash, Sad Evan "Buck" Buckley, Soft Eddie Diaz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:14:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23896639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spinningincircles/pseuds/spinningincircles
Summary: He sits down heavily and just lets his mind go, pulling at itself to convince him that yes, he really is going to be fine, that there are plenty of people that love him and want him to be happy, but maybe that will all change and he won’t be able to control it. He has no idea, won’t know until it’s over, and he thinks that’s what scares him the most.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 20
Kudos: 375





	hold me til i die, meet you on the other side

**Author's Note:**

> 3x16 coda
> 
> title from "just breathe" by pearl jam

Maddie clicks the door shut behind her, and Buck’s alone again. He feels better, still grieving Red and still wrapped in vague loneliness, but it’s a little easier to breathe now.

Maddie loves him. He has a family, one more real than the one he grew up with. That’s not going to change, he knows it, he _feels_ it.

But that voice in the back of his head is still there, reminding him that everything’s fine now, but what about tomorrow? What about 10 years from now, when Maddie and Chim are surely married with kids, and Bobby’s retired, and Eddie’s found someone new? Will they still invite him over? Will they be able to make space for him in their lives that will already be full of love? Will they want to?

He sighs, scrubbing a hand over his face as he makes his way to the couch. He sits down heavily and just lets his mind go, pulling at itself to convince him that yes, he really is going to be fine, that there are plenty of people that love him and want him to be happy, but maybe that will all change and he won’t be able to control it. He has no idea, won’t know until it’s over, and he thinks that’s what scares him the most.

He wishes he could just shut it all off and live in blissful silence.

He sits there for a few minutes or hours or centuries, staring out the window at the lights of the city. He’s still warring with himself, trying to find that peace between acceptance and forgetting when there’s a knock on the door.

He checks his phone, and his stomach clenches in fear. It’s nearly 2:00am. No one gets good news from a knock at 2:00am.

He slowly, a little fearfully, makes his way to the door. Still on edge, expecting the worst, he opens the door and sees…

Eddie.

In his pajamas.

At his door. At 2:00am.

The first thing he thinks to say is, “Don’t you have a key?”

Eddie stares at him for a beat before shaking his head, huffing out a laugh. “Yeah, but I figured you’d be asleep. Didn’t want you to think I was a burglar or something.”

Buck smiles, small but meaningful. Eddie always thinks like that, thinks about the little things. Goes out of his way to make sure Buck, and everyone else, knows that he cares.

Will he still think like that, about Buck like that, next week? In 5 years?

Buck shakes his head, stepping back from the door to let Eddie in. He feels panic curling under his skin again as he remembers the late hour and takes in the tension in Eddie’s shoulders and hands.

“It’s late dude, is everything okay? Are you okay? Is Chris—”

And then Eddie’s hugging him, knocking the wind out of him with the force of wrapping him in his arms. Buck freezes, bewildered for a minute, before he sinks into it, his arms coming up around Eddie’s neck because he has nowhere else to put them, and because he wants to. Eddie brings a hand to the back of Buck’s head, and Buck just holds tighter, curling in and hiding his face in the crook of Eddie’s neck, taking in a shuddering breath he didn’t realize he was holding.

Everything else just fades away. The apartment, the city, the thoughts swirling in Buck’s head on an endless loop. It all goes away, and it’s quiet.

Silent.

Eddie’s hand rubs up and down Buck’s back, like it’s trying to erase the pain, the heartache, all the bullshit he’s been feeling that won’t let him sleep.

Buck just holds on tighter.

Eddie pulls back eventually, hands coming up to cradle Buck’s face like he knows just how fragile he’s feeling. Buck’s hands rest on Eddie’s hips, fingers clenching the fabric of his sweatshirt. He doesn’t want to let go, doesn’t want to know how badly he’ll fall apart if he does. Eddie just looks at him, steady, almost understanding, wiping away tears that Buck didn’t even realize had fallen.

He looks, just looks, until Buck finally meets his eyes. He holds a little firmer then, making sure Buck’s paying attention.

“Evan Buckley,” he murmurs, “you are one of the best people I know.” Buck rolls his eyes, tries to pull away, but Eddie’s grip stays strong. “You’re brave, and kind, and generous, and love everyone with your whole heart. I don’t know who decided I got to have you in my life, but I’m so glad I do.” Buck’s crying again, feels the tears running down his chin, but they’re running past a smile now, instead of a frown. “I know you’ve been feeling left behind, so I just— I really needed you to know that I will never leave you. Ever. You’re my family, you and Chris, and I’ll fight whoever and whatever to make sure it stays that way. And I know you will too.”

Eddie rests their foreheads together, and Buck smiles again. It’s big this time, it’s real.

And it’s still blissfully silent in his head.

“This couldn’t have waited until the morning? What if I really was asleep?” It’s teasing, but he’s curious.

Eddie smiles and shakes his head. “I literally couldn’t sleep until you knew. And I definitely would have just woken you up. This is too important.”

Buck’s smile fades a bit, his hands holding tighter to Eddie. “I might forget sometimes. How much I mean to you. I  _ will  _ forget. You’ll have to remind me.”

“That’s fine, I’ll tell you over and over. Late at night or at a normal time. I’ll write it on a poster and stick it on your wall if that’ll help.”

Buck laughs, considering. “I think a billboard might be better. That blank one I can see out my window.” 

“Done, I’ll put the order in tomorrow. Or today, I guess.”

Buck shakes his head again, laughing, genuinely laughing. He feels settled, finally. He knows it’s not permanent, might not even last the night, but he’s reveling in it now.

He looks at Eddie then, and Eddie just looks back, steady, unwavering, and Buck knows this isn’t a pity thing. It’s not empty words to make him feel better now but lose their meaning tomorrow.

It’s real, every bit. It’s startling, really, but it feels right. Perfect.

Eddie pulls him back in, Buck’s face hiding away again as he holds on, marveling at the solidness of Eddie, both physically and emotionally. Unflinchingly constant with, apparently, no chance of sinking.

Buck’s not sure he’s ever had something like this, but he is definitely sure he’s never letting it go.

“You’ll stay?” he asks into Eddie’s skin. “Tonight? In the morning?”

He feels a rumble in Eddie’s chest, feels lips press to his hairline, lingering.

“I’ll stay. Tonight, tomorrow, forever. And probably after that, too.”

They hold each other in the silence. Finally, blessedly, at peace.

**Author's Note:**

> if i can't hug buck myself, i'll make eddie do it for me
> 
> come yell about all the good things buck deserves on [tumblr](https://tylerhunklin.tumblr.com/) with me!


End file.
